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By: Kimberly Harrison, Ph.D “No!” Carlos threw his pencil and stomped down the hall, refusing to return to finish his homework. First, Dad started pleading with promises of a favorite TV show if Carlos would just finish, then Mom threatened no iPad time if he didn’t start working “right now!” The more his parents insisted, the angrier Carlos became, throwing his toys around his bedroom, shouting, and eventually crying himself to sleep. No punishment seemed to impact his desire to get away from that homework. His parents were exhausted and confused. Why was second grade homework such a problem? After all, he just had to read a few pages in a book and write 3 sentences. Other nights were the same. It didn’t matter what the subject was, Carlos refused, often holding the household hostage with his outbursts. Sometimes, one tantrum would resolve just in time for another to begin – he didn’t want to play with his brother, or go swimming, or go to his baseball game – sometimes, it seemed, he just wanted to be defiant. He’d always been a little emotional, but never like this. What were they doing wrong, his parents wondered, why couldn’t they make their child behave? It was frustrating, embarrassing, and draining. It was even starting to impact their marriage, each one blaming the other for making it worse. Phoebe’s parents were dealing with something similar, but their daughter was in seventh grade. She took forever to do her homework, often forgot to turn things in, and wasn’t sleeping well. She was extremely irritable all the time and she didn’t even want to spend time with her friends anymore. The only thing that seemed to calm her was watching an endless string of YouTube videos. No matter what her parents said or did she yelled, cried, and then shut down. So, what is going on? Is it bad behavior? Has Carlos learned that if he creates enough commotion, he won’t have to do it? Has Phoebe figured out life is a lot more fun with videos and no schoolwork? Perhaps. Sometimes children learn how to get out of unpleasant tasks by distracting adults with off-putting behavior. If that’s the case, then some general behaviorism usually works to correct things. Start with positive reinforcers. A reinforcer is something that is added to improve a wanted behavior and is given immediately after the person does something desired. Examples of positive reinforcers include praise, a tasty treat, a tic mark on a score sheet, and more. Start small with praise when a first step is accomplished. In the case of Carlos, if it’s a behavioral issue where he “won’t do homework” then his parents should give him praise for each step – taking out his book, reading a page, writing a sentence, etc., then follow up when homework is done with an extra few minutes of screen time or something he loves to do. After a few days, most likely he’ll need less and less support and the behavior will change. Same with Phoebe, although sometimes behavioral issues require consequences, especially for preteens and teens. A consequence involves adding or taking away something to decrease an unwanted behavior. But parents beware! Most people usually respond much better to reinforcers than consequences. Their parents already know that punishment doesn’t work for Carlos or Phoebe. What else could it be? More often than just bad behavior, I find there is an underlying academic or emotional issue. Ask yourself: “When did this behavior get worse?” “What seems to be the primary trigger?” “What’s going on in the environment when it happens?” “Does it happen both at home and school?” "Are teachers concerned that performance is declining? Your child may have been extra emotional since the beginning, but did this type of behavior always happen? If so, look at neurobiological issues such as ADHD. You might want to consult with your pediatrician or a therapist to determine the root issue and plan interventions. Sometimes ADHD shows up early on, and sometimes not until later, such as Middle School when schoolwork becomes more complex. If the intensity of behavior is new, then look at what else is going on. Perhaps Carlos is having difficulty reading or with holding a pencil. An evaluation of reading and writing issues might be in order. Maybe Phoebe is being teased or bullied or can’t concentrate in class. Or, perhaps anxiety has increased to a level where it has become a disorder triggered by the stress of schoolwork, or OCD is emerging, or the child is depressed. These neurobiological, emotional, and learning issues are “cant’s” which are triggering the meltdowns. If you’ve used all the tools in your parenting toolkit and are still baffled, then it’s time to create a team to investigate possible reasons for “cant’s.” Talk with your child’s teacher and school counselor. Consult with a therapist or consider a psychoeducational evaluation. The most important things parents can do include: 1) Refuse to ignore what’s going on 2) Stop blaming yourselves, and 3) Create a team. The longer a child is in distress and the family is suffering, the worse it usually gets. Create a team, develop a plan, and know you are not alone. Finally, keep your eye on the prize. On those tough days, think about your child as a thriving student, a happier human, and maybe even visualize them as a successful adult. Remind yourself that this, too, shall pass.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC When it comes to moving forward, feeling accomplished, and being productive in daily life, it can feel hard to get or stay motivated, especially for folks with ADHD or other things that make executive functioning (EF) difficult. For parents and teacher of kids and teens with EF struggles, it can seem impossible to help them find ways to push past EF roadblocks. Identifying and utilizing the different kinds of external motivators can really help. Consequences and reinforcers—whether imposed by the parent or teacher or ones that arise naturally in life—can serve as the driving forces that propel us forward. The temperaments of the camel and the horse and how they respond to their different external motivators—the fire and the carrot--can help us think about what actually motivates us and the loved ones in our lives: The Camel’s Fire: The camel is motivated by something unpleasant behind them! Think about how the camel spends hour after hour carrying its owners heavy pack in the middle of the desert. When the camel finally becomes exhausted and needs a rest, it lays down and wants to stay there! The camel uses its stubbornness to keep laying down—despite the owner’s best efforts to pull it along! It refuses to get up and moving, no matter how hard the owner pulls its reigns. In order to get the camel back up on its feet, the owner digs a small hole underneath the camel and places a fire in the hole—not to burn or hurt the camel—but to propel it forward. The camel is motivated to move forward to get away from something so unpleasant! The fire represents a consequence. In life and especially in adulthood, we all face consequences that are no fun at all. While things like getting the electricity turned off because you forgot to pay the bill are super uncomfortable and even miserable, these things are just unpleasant enough to teach us an important lesson. That unpleasant situation propels us to do differently later because feeling that discomfort is something we don’t want to experience again! Consequences can be ADDING something, like extra chores or REMOVING something, like time with friends, or screen time. The Horse’s Carrot: The horse is motivated by something better that lies ahead. When a horse grows tired, its owner dangles a big, juicy carrot in front if its face—just out of reach of its lips! The horse continues to put one foot in front of the other in order to try to get closer to that tasty treat ahead! The horse is motivated to move forward to reach something great—a reward for its job well done. The carrot represents a reinforcer. Reinforcers should be given AFTER the hard work is done. For instance, if watching TV is something you or your child really enjoys, use TV time as a reward for AFTER homework or household chores are complete. This way, you are reinforcing AKA strengthening the wanted behavior. Reinforcers can be ADDING something, like extra allowance money or screen time or REMOVING something, like a chore. Both the fire and the carrot are valid and helpful motivators when used and talked about in effective ways. Most of us require a combination of both to stay moving forward. Think about yourself and your family members. Which ones might be more like the camel? And which ones are more like a horse? What types of things serve as carrots and fires in your life?

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC Bedtime is one of the most procrastinated tasks these days. All of us lead busy lives and feel as if there’s never enough time to do it all. Bedtime often gets pushed later and later due to us (purposefully or accidentally) prioritizing other things such as finishing up work or schoolwork, binging Netflix, catching up on laundry, gaming with friends, mindlessly scrolling through TikTok, or making art. Bedtime Procrastination occurs for a number of reasons for all of us and is especially a struggle for folks with ADHD. For a more in-depth exploration of what Bedtime Procrastination is and why it happens, check out a previous article of mine, "Bedtime Procrastination Part 1: Why Some Folks—Even Adults—Dread Bedtime." So can we do to prevent Bedtime Procrastination or break the cycle when we are stuck in it? Here are a couple of ideas: Schedule Free Time One of the primary reasons why folks put off sleep is because they’d rather be doing something else they didn’t feel they had time for. Typically people are up late gaming, watching TV, hanging out with friends online, or scrolling through social media because they had a busy, stressful day and want to unwind. Sometimes folks feel a sense of guilt for doing leisure activities during the day and feel as if they have to do it at night when others are sleeping. But, scheduling free time is important. Free time to do relaxing and enjoyable things is essential to our mental health and should be built into our day guilt-free. Intentionally carve out time to do the things you enjoy. Schedule it for a set amount of time and use an alarm or timer to help you hold yourself accountable for when that time is up. This way, you can wholeheartedly enjoy that time and don’t have to feel that sense of guilt or looming stress about other activities left undone. When the time is up, move on to the next scheduled task, such as returning to life responsibilities or getting to bed. Visualize Past Struggles and Future Successes When we are down the hole of mindless scrolling, binge-watching, or gaming, we are very entrenched in the present moment and have difficulty zooming out. For folks with ADHD or other executive function difficulties, it is especially difficult to think ahead and plan. It is helpful to practice thinking backward and forward to help make good decisions. Pause and intentionally think backward to how it felt to wake up this morning. When your alarm went off, did you feel rested? Or did you feel incredibly groggy, and therefore sluggish? After getting the number of hours of sleep you got last night, how did you feel today? Remind yourself of times in the past when it felt really terrible to be stuck in the sleep procrastination cycle. Recalling those bad moments can help you prevent them from happening in the future. To practice thinking ahead, ask yourself, “What am I doing right now that can help future me?” Think ahead to what it will feel like waking up tomorrow if you go to bed at 10pm instead of 2am. Visualize what it might be like to wake up feeling refreshed. If you have a hard time remembering to ask yourself these questions, set a reminder on your phone or device that goes off every hour. When the reminder goes off, take a moment to zoom out and re-evaluate where you stand. Take just a minute to ask yourself if it’s in your best interest to continue doing what you are doing. Or take that as an opportunity to move on to the next task. Set Yourself Up For Sleep We often get caught up in thinking that sleep is boring and can be put on the back burner. You might even think of yourself as someone who can function on only a couple hours of sleep. But take some time to remind yourself of how essential sleep is for brain function, physical wellness and recovery, and emotional stability. For more info on the importance of sleep, click here. Folks with a diagnosis of ADHD and/or ASD often have differences in their circadian rhythms and melatonin production. That means that their internal clock has a harder time naturally prompting their body that it’s time for sleep. When you don’t feel like going to sleep—you’re exactly right! You must help your body into a state of feeling ready for sleep. One of the most difficult, yet most important ways to do this is to shut off screens at least an hour before your intended bedtime. So many of us use our phone, computer, or TV all the way up until we feel exhausted. Challenge yourself to find some screen-less activities to decompress before bedtime. Reading, journaling, coloring, knitting/crocheting, stretching, taking a bath, using a weighted blanket, or meditating are just a few. A google search and some of the articles linked above can help you explore more ways to help your body enter into sleep-mode.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC All of us know the classic problem of a child wanting to stay up late past their bedtime. Typically, this is due to fear of missing out on what exciting or fun things might happen after they go to sleep. Something similar happens to adults and teens. For many folks of all ages—especially those with features or a diagnosis of ADHD—bedtime is one of the primary responsibilities that is put on the back burner or pushed off until later and later. As a therapist who specializes in working with folks ages 8 through 30 who have executive functioning difficulties related to anxiety, depression, ADHD, and perfectionism, I am seeing more and more folks struggle with getting to bed and, separately, going to sleep. All of us value our free time and want to get the most out of it. For those with ADHD and/or other EF difficulties, there is often a heightened awareness and need for free time, paired with the constant feeling that they’ve never gotten enough. Sleep is a less exciting, and therefore less appealing activity than most other waking activities. This, paired with circadian rhythm differences in those with ADHD and ASD, make it an even more “procrastinate-able” task. After a long and stressful day of holding it together, people desire to come home, enter their comfort zone, and have some precious time to relax and have fun. Unfortunately, life responsibilities and stressors don’t vanish upon entering our homes. Homework, chores, or parent duties are still looming over us. But because our inner monologue often says, “Man, today was long and hard. I deserve some time to chill right now. Just for a little bit! And then I’ll start on those other things,” we often indulge in some half-hearted, totally ineffective “chill” time. It ends up being half-hearted and ineffective because 1 of 2 things happen: #1: during our “chill” time, we look over at the clock every couple of minutes, stressing about those looming tasks. Or we have a sense of angst somewhere in the back of our minds about the tasks. Our stress about the miserable tasks we still have to do impedes our ability to actually have an effective fun or relaxing moment Or #2: we get totally lost in the fun or relaxing task—scrolling through TikTok, watching Netflix, or playing a video game—for way longer than we intended. It is actually quite fun and relaxing UNTIL… we look at the clock and a wave a shame and dread and misery wash over us. We think, “How could I have done this?! Now I don’t have enough time!” And we beat ourselves up. Any sense of fun or relaxation that came from our time spent is now blotted out by our negative self-talk and regret. For the group of folks I work with, there is a sadness or sense of dread that comes over them when the sun begins setting. For students, this is especially true during the school year. Since homework is typically something viewed as stressful or difficult, and is therefore procrastinated into the evening, stress and anxiety intensify the later it gets. As the end of the day approaches, the things left undone become more apparent and serve as ammunition for the individual to shame themselves. Later into the night, the person is likely the only one still awake in their home. Being alone serves as a retreat, where they feel as if they can free themselves of the judgment of others. In this comfort zone, the person stays up later and later—maybe working on things they needed to accomplish OR getting further entrenched in distractions or “free time.” The following day, the individual might have difficulty waking up on time and may experience overall sleep deprivation. The cycle continues that evening, as tiredness kicks in and is an added layer to the struggle. In sum, bedtime is a commonly dreaded and procrastinated, yet super essential human task. Putting off bedtime is a slippery slope, as later bedtimes entail either later wakeup times or not enough sleep. Establishing a realistic, consistent sleep-wake cycle takes trial-and-error, discipline, and—often—externalized accountability. Working with an Executive Function Coach, therapist, parent, partner, or friend can be a helpful first step. For ideas about how to combat Bedtime Procrastination, prioritize sleep, and get better sleep, check out my next article "Bedtime Procrastination Part 2: Putting Bedtime Procrastination To Bed".

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC While it might seem simple, coloring is such a powerful therapeutic technique that has infinite possibilities. It is a tool that can be used for all ages for so many different purposes. For children, coloring allows them to make their own decisions about what colors to choose and whether or not they’d like to follow the “color inside the lines” rule. Children get to own their artwork and can show it off as something they stuck with, followed through on, and are proud of. As a therapist who works with children, coloring is typically where I begin my work with a child. Step one of forming a connection with a kiddo happens when we plop down on the floor together, pick from a few coloring sheets or blank paper, and dump a big box of pens, pencils, crayons, and markers out to begin our conversation and creation. Coloring helps us learn a lot about each other—I get to learn about how their brain operates when given lots of choices and they get to learn that they’re allowed to make a mess, make decisions on their own, and be their truest selves. Coloring is a great ice-breaker activity for children and adults alike because it helps create a safe and healthy barrier. When we both have something to look at, do, and talk about, instead of zoning in just on each other, it helps cultivate an environment of low pressure, safety, and positive regard for each other. For adults, especially those who don’t deem themselves as “creative” or have a hard time getting started on projects due to procrastination or perfectionism, coloring can be great practice. Coloring pre-drawn pictures, printouts, or pages from a coloring book can be such a helpful way to combat the sense of anxiety and overwhelm that sometimes comes along with staring at a blank piece of white paper. When we have lines drawn on a page to guide us, the creative process becomes choosing colors that look nice together or symbolize different things, as opposed to stressing over drawing something that looks “good.” Coloring can be a fun and healthy way to tap into your creativity and take a few moments to focus on mental health and wellness. Grab your favorite coloring tools like gel pens, crayons, colored pencils, and markers, and plop down on the floor by yourself or with your family. Here are a few practices to try as you and your children color: The Colors of Me Look at your coloring tools and decide which colors represent: My personality My friends My favorite memories My family My faith or values My best subject/greatest strength How I feel right now What I am most proud of Color your page using these colors and think about how all of these things blend together and interact to create something beautiful. This page represents all of the pieces of you that come together to form who you are. All of the Colors of You create a masterpiece—something unique, treasured, and celebrated. Photo via Instagram / @trainingsbyromy Spectrum of Emotions Sometimes we get stuck in a rut of emotions and just feel overall “bad” or “good.” We forget that there are so many more emotions to choose from! Just like how there is a spectrum of infinite colors, there are almost as many emotions we can feel. Look at the Wheel of Emotions (above) and remind yourself and your children that there are limitless ways to describe what we are feeling! Look at the inner circle and choose one that describes how you are feeling now. Choose an emotion in the center and move outward in the circle to see if you can describe your feeling in more detail. Select that color pencil or crayon and use it in your coloring sheet. Color lightly if you are only feeling a little bit of that emotion. Press down hard and darken the color if you feel it very intensely. Gratitude Coloring Select certain colors to represent the things in your life that you are grateful for. For the people in your life, maybe pick their favorite color to represent them. Each time you pick up that color to use in your project, think about that person and give thanks for them. Do the same with the possessions, opportunities, memories, learning moments, and fun moments in your life. In the field of mental health, we know that gratitude is incredibly helpful in decreasing anxiety and depression. Practicing gratitude every day can promote overall wellness and can help connect you with the present moment. While coloring is often thought of as an old-school, basic, elementary activity, it can be used as a powerful therapeutic tool. It can be used solo as a DIY form of self-care, gratitude, and reflection or can simply be a fun surface-level activity for folks of all ages.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC All most parents and teachers ever hope for in raising up little humans is for them to be considerate, happy humans. While it’s possible for those two things—considerate and happy--to exist at the same time, as a child grows older, it is sometimes the case that a person who is very “considerate” experiences more anxiety, stress, and burnout than others. Of course, being considerate is noble and is socially beneficial to the individual, as well as those around them. Considerate humans are likely to be well liked by those around them. To be considerate means to be careful not to cause harm, discomfort, or inconvenience to those around them. Therefore, they are often thought of as kind, compassionate, agreeable humans. They pride themselves in doing their best to show others love and patience and often feel rewarded because of it. While being considerate can be fulfilling and rewarding, it can also be intensely draining. Believe it or not, there are downsides to being a considerate human. Considerate folks are constantly considering all of the options around them at all times. That means their brains are continuously at work thinking about all the “what if’s” and “what could go wrong’s.” They carry out every possible social scenario in their minds and attempt to prevent any hard feelings, awkwardness, or conflict. All that consideration can take several tolls: Heightened Anxiety Considerate folks often imagine tons of different situations and social exchanges in effort to select the best one—the one that will go smoothest and will benefit the most people. Their thoughts might quickly intensify into catastrophizing, as they begin to think about all that could go wrong. The more and more a person’s brain trails off into worst-case-scenarios, the more anxious and stressed their body will respond. Our body responds to perceived and actual threats in the same way, by activating our fight-or-flight response. A person may even have feelings of panic or a full-blown panic attack if something activates their stress response. While this awareness and anxiety serves them well in being a considerate human, it is certainly not always fun or easy. Mental Exhaustion All of that mental energy spent on constantly thinking of others is exhausting! Constantly running through lists of who needs what and what would make others happy is a lot of time and effort spent. Lots of mental gymnastics have to happen to ensure that others feel respected, included, thought-of, and cared for. While there is some gain and reward for being considerate, it is sometimes not enough. Overly considerate folks are likely to suffer from physical, emotional, or social burnout. Loose Boundaries Establishing and enforcing boundaries can sometimes feel uncomfortable or downright wrong for considerate humans. It is typically the overly considerate person’s nature to bend to whatever they think would appease or please someone else or the greater good. They often have a harder time speaking up for themselves and tend to have looser boundaries with others. It is important that these folks rethink boundaries and understand that boundaries exist to protect and preserve all parties involved. Boundaries can and should be maintained in a loving, respectful, considerate way and do not have to be selfish, aggressive, or contentious. Self-Care Struggles Since considerate folks are very much concerned about the well-being and comfort level of others, they are likely to put their own needs on the back-burner. It might even be their comfort zone to focus on others’ needs and struggles and may feel extremely uncomfortable for them to take time for themselves. Considerate people are often stricken with the “empty cup” syndrome. They spend all their mental energy pouring out to everyone around them. So much so, they have nothing left for themselves. These individuals must work on recognizing that they cannot continue to pour from an empty cup. They must care for themselves and do things to fill back up regularly. Considerate humans work incredibly hard to think of others, as well as all the ways to listen to, respect, and predict the needs of others. This is certainly noble and admirable, as these folks make such great friends, partners, advocates, colleagues, and neighbors. The work of the overly considerate person is to give themselves an equal amount of respect, care, and attention as they give others. They must also learn to take mental breaks—recognizing that it is not selfish, only self-preserving to press pause on thinking outward in order to look inward.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC Behaviors are the outward sign of how we feel inside. That means that others are likely to be able to detect how we are feeling based on what we do in response to our feelings. Many times, we end up in trouble or in the counselor or principal’s office, because of the way we chose to handle a crummy feeling. For instance, we yelled when we felt frustrated, complained when we felt tired, shoved someone when we felt hurt, or goofed off when we felt bored. It is not the feelings that got us in trouble—it is the behaviors! Coping is anything we humans try when we don’t like how we feel. Humans cope in lots of different ways—some of which are effective, healthy, and acceptable to others and some of which are ineffective, unhealthy, and harmful to others. When our fight, flight, and freeze responses are activated, it’s hard to think about making smart decisions. Our body is busy trying to keep us alive, it doesn’t have time to think about much else! Lots of times this is when we make an impulsive decision--such as yelling or punching someone or something--that is ultimately not a good one. Therefore, we have to intervene with something else! When choosing which coping behavior to try, remember these 2 rules: Rule #1: It must work for YOU While some things you try might feel a tiny bit good in the moment, they might actually leave you feeling worse afterward because you feel guilty or got in trouble. The behavior you choose must actually work to cool you down. It must help you feel in control and prevent you from hurting yourself or others or from getting in trouble. Rule #2: It must work for THOSE AROUND YOU The behavior you choose must be okay with everyone around you. It must not hurt, disrespect, distract, or disobey other people around you. What you try has to be okay with your classmates, teacher, parents, and family members. Make a list of things you know work for you when you don’t like how you feel. Coming up with some go-tos ahead of time can really help, as sometimes it is hard to think clearly when we are in the heat of the moment. For some ideas, click here. For parents and teachers: Help your child be the judge of whether or not what they try follows these 2 rules. When considering Rule #1, you can use language like, “Man, it really seems like you’re feeling upset right now. I wonder if what you’re trying is actually helping you to calm down. What else do you think you could try?” Work together to make a list of go-to things that work for your child or class as a whole. If your child is behaving in a way that is not following Rule #2, be very clear about it. Use language like, “I can see that you are feeling frustrated. The thing you are trying right now (yelling, arguing, complaining, throwing things, refusing to do something, etc.) is definitely not following Rule #2. See if you can choose something else to cope with that frustrated feeling.” Be honest in sharing why it doesn’t follow Rule #2 because it doesn’t work for you. Say something like, “I see that you’re trying something to cope with a crummy feeling. But what you tried did not follow Rule #2 because it did not work for me. It made feel sad and upset that you slammed your door. And it damages our house, which certainly doesn’t work for all of us.” Give them one or two opportunities to change their coping behavior. If they aren’t able to find something that follows the rules, let them know that there will be a consequence. Say, “I know this feeling is a tough one to handle. But the things you’ve tried haven’t been working for me/us. I’m giving you one more opportunity to find a new coping behavior that follows both rules. I can help you think of a new one if you’d like. If you don’t change this behavior, there will be a consequence that helps you learn, as my job as a parent is to help you learn how to make decisions.” Implement a consequence as necessary and follow up afterward after things have calmed down about other things they could have tried. Working with a therapist can be a great way to learn what works and what doesn’t, as they can help you and/or your child look at things in new ways. Since therapists take a neutral, nonjudgmental role, they can help you assess if what you are trying is really working or not. Being honest with yourself and others is the first step toward finding something that actually helps.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC As the opportunity to reunite with friends, family, classmates, and colleagues draws nearer and becomes more of a reality, many of us face conflicting emotions. On one hand, we feel excited to catch up and socialize with those we know and love or with new folks. On the other hand, we feel a bit rusty, uncertain, and anxious about the idea of getting back out there or reconnecting. Here are a couple of ways to break the ice or combat some of the anxiety and insecurity that may naturally arise as we re-enter the social world. Provide an Honest Disclaimer When talking with friends or family members about plans to see each other, feel free to provide a disclaimer that shares with them how you’re currently feeling about the idea of getting together. Being up-front can get some of the discomfort out in the open and out of the way. People tend to really appreciate honesty and vulnerability in this way. You can do this in a joking, casual way by saying something like, “Sheesh, it’s been so long, I forgot how to be a person who hangs out with other people! You might have to remind me about how to have a real conversation!” You could also do it in a very sincere way, saying “I’m really feeling rusty and unsure of how to talk to people after so long. I’m hoping you’ll understand and be able to support me if I start to feel anxious or uncomfortable. I’m committed to getting back in the swing, but it feels hard right now.” Openness and transparency about what you are experiencing will not only feel good to get off your chest, but will help encourage others to be just as honest about what they are feeling. Utilize an Activity or Game Having a mutual thing for everyone to direct their attention to can be super helpful in a group setting. Instead of just looking at each other and being uncertain of what to talk about, a shared activity or game can really help. That way, even if there is a lull in the conversation, there is still something to look at, do, and talk about. Some of my personal favorite games and activities for groups are: yard games, Jackbox Party Pack, Codenames, Telestrations, and Table Topics. Deeper connection and conversations that go above or beyond the game can arise naturally, which is great. Or conversations can stay activity-oriented and that is still a super fun time. Visualize Past and Future Successes Make it a point to remind yourself of some of the most fun, funny, and memorable connections and interactions you had pre-pandemic. Take a moment to immerse yourself back in that memory, really focusing on how great it felt. Remind yourself of how taking social risks (while challenging and anxiety-inducing) can really pay off, bringing fun, connection, and confidence into your life. Imagine the positive future interactions you’ll have with your family and friends. We tend to think about what might go wrong, but challenge yourself to think about what might go right. Give Yourself and Others Grace We all now have the shared human experience of going through a global pandemic. You have been in the same boat as every other person out there. Therefore, others are likely feeling just as out-of-practice, uncertain, and anxious as you are. So speak kindly to yourself and give yourself some grace and understanding. Also, be empathetic to the potential unease and anxiety of others. Recognize that folks have been impacted by the pandemic in different ways and might be experiencing grief and loss, post-traumatic stress, financial distress, and health anxiety. Inquire about others’ comfort level about being in-person and how much physical proximity and contact they are or aren’t okay with. Be kind to yourself and others, as our bodies and brains have been incredibly hard at work trying to survive the emotional and physical vulnerabilities of the pandemic. Take time to relax and recover and settle into a new way of life, hopefully with newfound gratitude.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPCi, NCC After many conversations with friends, clients, and colleagues, it seems as if we are all more exhausted than ever after a long day of quarantine-ing. Somehow sleeping at least an hour later than usual, conducting Zoom meetings in comfy clothes, watching a couple of Netflix episodes, and walking no further than from the bedroom to the “office” in the kitchen and back is draining! How in the world did we ever spend 10 to 12 hours a day out of the house—waking up early, running kids around town, staying late at the office, cleaning the house, and going out for dinner? Here are some ideas as to why we might find ourselves so exhausted after seemingly doing so much less during social distancing due to the COVID19 pandemic: Our brain has been busy trying to keep us alive! Our brains are hard-wired to keep the rest of our bodies alive. With the threat of a deadly virus consuming our news feeds, household conversations, and thoughts, our brain is on high alert! When our brain perceives something as dangerous or threatening in any way, it activates our sympathetic nervous system, which attempts to armor our body up against danger. Our muscles tense, making us ready to fight the danger off or flee from it. Our breathing quickens and our heart rate intensifies. Hormones are released throughout our body that are all readying us to make a life-saving decision. Most times, these reactions and functions take place so automatically, we don’t even notice them. In short, our brains and bodies are in survival mode as we navigate a serious and scary situation. Your brain is doing its best job to protect you by activating your body’s fight-or-flight response. This takes up lots of your body’s physical energy. In addition, it’s likely that you’re feeling lots of confusing and unpleasant emotions during this time, such as worry, frustration, loneliness, grief, and sadness. Lots of mental energy is spent experiencing the ups and downs of life during a pandemic. Our body has been trying to adapt to our new “normal.” For those of us that were once used to spending 10 to 12 or even more hours per day outside the house, adjusting to staying home has been difficult. It feels frustrating to have to change our daily routine, especially when we’re forced to remove the things that gave us sanity, joy, and energy. With gyms and fitness classes being closed, exercise is an extremely common physically wellness measure and stress-relief that has been removed. While working out from home is an option, it is hard to uphold, especially when the exhaustion creeps in. Another factor contributing to physical tiredness is the struggle of the makeshift office. For me, I’ve turned my kitchen table into my desk, with my laptop on a stack of books, tablecloth hung on the wall behind me as a backdrop to my Zoom sessions, and a hard, wooden chair as my office chair. Physically, I feel my back getting tight and tense as I hunch over my computer. Mentally, the fact that my “office” and rest of my one-bedroom apartment bleed over into each other is unsettling. Through this, I have learned to appreciate a designated office space—one with proper office furniture, where I can close the door, leave my “work” behind, and drive away from. When I think back on the daily drives home from the office, I’m thankful for that designated buffer period which allowed me to decompress and switch gears before entering my home. With our homes being the catch-all space of work and school during quarantine, the constant switching of gears between the blurred lines of home/work/kids/school/cleaning /relaxing/cooking/surviving is exhausting! Even if it is a separate room or in a designated corner, I wholeheartedly believe in the power of boundary-setting when it comes to where work lives and stays. Leaving work/school on the other side of a firm boundary is super helpful in conserving energy, in that it allows you to be fully present wherever you are when you “download” upon entering the office and “upload” before leaving. Could it be that I’m more extroverted than I thought? In the world of counseling and psychology, when trying to determine if someone is more introverted or extroverted (or somewhere in between,) we often ask questions like, “From where do you draw your energy? Do you typically feel energized or drained after a big social gathering?” and “Are you someone who needs a good deal of time doing things alone to feel recharged?” Introverts typically need some time doing things alone, such as reading, making art, playing videogames, or hanging out with one or two friends, in order to feel relaxed and recharged. When introverts participate in a social event, they’re likely to need some “chill time” afterward, even if they really thrived and enjoyed the event and the people they interacted with. Extroverts typically feel boosted by interaction with new people and feel recharged when they’re able to talk amongst a group. They really thrive when they’re able to have conversations, share ideas, and feel connected. When extroverts are required to be alone, they might begin to feel bored or lonely after too long. It can be sort of somber for those of us with some extroverted traits to be alone for extended periods. If you find yourself feeling extra exhausted, drained, and down, it might be that you require more social interaction than you realize. No matter if you classify yourself as more introverted or extroverted, we all require social interaction and the feeling of belonging. Lean into that and make sure you’re staying connected to friends and family in the ways you can. If you or someone you love is feeling tired and drained during this time, know there is good reason. Your brain and body are busy and HARD at work keeping you alive, even if you aren’t aware of it. It is easy to feel pressure to be “productive” with all of the added time we have, but know that even if you only have the energy just to survive, that is important, productive, and okay. Adjusting to life outside of quarantine when it is safe to do so will likely be another big challenge. Lean on the ones you love, on maintaining self-care, on doing the things you know recharge you and restore your energy.

By: Patricia R. Hamilton, MS, LMFT THE BUTTERFLY One spring, a young girl found a cocoon in her garden. Inside was a butterfly struggling to break free. For hours she watched it strain its tiny limbs against the sides, making no progress. And she cried for the little creature. Finally the girl went inside and found some scissors. She carefully cut an opening in the cocoon and the butterfly emerged easily, too easily. It looked strange, its body swollen and its wings shriveled. It would never fly. Years later, she understood that the butterfly needs to struggle. The work of straining against its cocoon allows it to grow wings and become its true self. Struggle is necessary. It takes 18 to 25 years for a person to prepare for adulthood. Children learn by trial and error. One day at a time, year after year, children learn how to face challenges and adversity with growing courage and determination. If relieved of the struggle, children do not build agency and self confidence. They become fragile, anxious, and often angry adults. It is important for parents not to intervene too quickly. Help, demonstrate, but do not take over. Too much frustration can be detrimental, but allowing your child to work through a problem or task, provides them the opportunity to develop creativity, think critically, analyze information and situations, and to solve increasingly complex problems. Self esteem is built on a child's authentic experience, what they discover, and what they come to know about themselves to be true. Agency is the byproduct of learning through experience, the correlation between effort and success. It is a cognitive process. When children want to do something, they set a purpose, figure out how to approach the task, deal with the frustration of trial and error, analyze what's going wrong, and try again, perhaps many times. When they finally succeed, they have also learned something about perseverance and tenacity. Agency is believing in one's own ability, learned from experience. Applaud your child's effort, creative ideas, and willingness to stick-to-it until the problem is solved. When parents jump in too quickly, the unspoken message to the child is you can't do it. They internalize this belief as true. Children learn that struggle and frustration are feelings to avoid. They resist taking on new challenges. They learn to wait for others to lead and do the heavy lifting. This is the birthplace of victimhood, blaming others, and dodging accountability, low self esteem and feeling unworthy. We are all in a hurry and so often there isn't enough time for our little ones to struggle with even the most basic, fundamental tasks, like putting on their own clothes and pushing their chubby little feet into their own socks and shoes. But, it is important for kids to struggle. Agency is built on all their little victories, one day at a time, year after year. So, yes, it is worth it to get up a half an hour earlier in the morning so they can struggle through these little tasks all by themselves. Don't do for your children what they can learn to do for themselves. Offer plenty of guidance and applause for their effort.