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By: Lauren N. Forde, M.A., LPC-Intern, CCTP What exactly makes a relationship healthy? How do you know if you are in a healthy relationship? Many of us look to other couples to figure out what it is that they have that makes their relationship seem so easy. We hear or read quotes such as, “A healthy relationship won’t feel like work,” when in reality, being in a relationship requires ongoing effort. Love is a choice. When we accept this, we can begin to see conflict with our partner as a way to exercise the choice to love. Embracing conflict provides an opportunity to openly reflect on what both partners possess to enhance the relationship and can ultimately lead to stronger communication and deeper love. However, to be able to work on a relationship with someone else requires self-reflection, self-acceptance, openness, and the awareness and ability to respond calmly and openly to positive and constructive criticism. These are not easy tasks, but when put into practice, can provide you and your partner the opportunity to love each other and live together to the fullest. The following 6 Habits can put you on the path to this stronger, more vibrant relationship. Habit 1: Active Listening What does it mean to actually listen to someone? In a relationship where communication is almost all nonverbal, there are many elements that go into actively listening to your partner, and making sure they feel that you are listening. Your partner usually can tell if you are genuinely interested in what they are saying. You can indicate interest by occasionally nodding your head to signal agreement or understanding. You may also show different facial expressions when your partner says something surprising, upsetting, exciting, sad, etc. Asking your partner questions in response to something they said also shows you are listening and that you are interested. It’s not necessary to always offer advice or opinions. Sometimes it is validating to just be there physically and emotionally with quiet compassion. Habit 2: Validation To validate a person means to acknowledge or affirm that their emotions and views are acceptable and worthwhile. For example, in response to your partner telling you a story about something annoying that may have happened to them at work, you could say something like “Wow yeah. That sounds incredibly frustrating. I understand why you would feel that way.” Some things not to say would be anything that invalidates their feelings such as, “Well maybe you just heard them wrong,” or “I would just let it go - you’re being too sensitive about it.” Habit 3: Compromise Without a doubt there will be many things that you and your partner do not agree on. Whether about making plans with friends, or whether it’s best to boil or microwave a hot dog, there will be many types of issues that you and your partner that must deal with. Compromising is often the key for success. Compromise requires both partners to meet in the middle so each person gets a little of what they want. So, "maybe I will microwave my hot dog and you can boil yours? Maybe we can pick one day out of the week where no matter what, we reserve it for hanging out with friends?" Pick and choose your battles. Do not dwell on the problem, but focus on a solution so you can both continue enjoying each other and your day together. Habit 4: Utilizing Love Languages In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman identifies categories for how we commonly feel and express love. These love languages are Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. If your partner frequently buys you gifts and always seems to physically touch you as a way to show their love, that is most likely your partner’s love language. Most of us do for others what we want done for ourselves. If you can hone in on what your partner does for you and do it back for them, you will experience more passion and connection. If you see that you yearn for quality time and acts of service (doing the dishes, making the bed, etc.), let your partner know your needs so they can show you love in the way you appreciate it to be expressed. Habit 5: Couples Who Play Together Stay Together Have fun! Plan events with your partner that get you out of the house and into the community. Pick something novel that both of you would enjoy (here comes that compromise again). Some fun ideas could be indoor skydiving, eating at a rooftop restaurant, having a picnic in the park, taking a brewery or winery tour, going camping or kayak fishing, running a 5K, going to a concert, etc. Exploration and discovery often leads to learning something fun and new about your partner. Experiencing something new together becomes more important the longer you are in a relationship. It may be just what you need to spice things up. Habit 6: Understanding Anger Remember that a relationship without conflict does NOT mean happiness or perfection. Conflict is necessary for growth and bonding, and anger often accompanies  conflict. Anger is a “masking emotion” in which there is always an underlying emotion. When someone is angry, they are usually feeling hurt, rejected, embarrassed, humiliated, wronged, or betrayed. Before acting on your anger, ask yourself these three questions: Do I feel wronged? Most of the time the answer is “yes." Do I feel that it was unfair? Most of the time the answer is “yes." Did they do it on purpose? Most of the time the answer is “no." Keeping your partner’s initial intention in mind can help avoid a dramatic argument, and instead lead to a conversation in which you gain more insight unto your partner’s day and mood. Showing compassion and not taking your partner’s bad mood personally could lead to helping your partner out of a bad mood and also allow you to decompress. In summary, there is no template or “how-to” for the perfect relationship, just patterns to either encourage or avoid. Many times, you won’t know that something bothers your partner until it happens. Then, what matters most is how you both handle these situations. Ask your partner questions, avoid criticism and contempt, listen, validate, and compromise. Developing these six habits can help make your relationship healthier and happier. Lauren Forde is a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern, supervised by Jerry L. Terrill, DMin, LFMT-S, LPC-S. She has a passion for working with couples to explore relational issues, problem solve, and make good relationships great.

By: Merrissa Hughes, M.Ed., LPC-I It’s that time again. That time of year when we set lofty goals for change. Setting out with high hopes and grateful hearts, we pledge that this year will be different. This year, we will save more money, get organized, learn something new, and, of course, finally lose that weight. Dreaming about what we want is a good start, but achieving weight loss goals is much more difficult. When the excitement about creating a new physique starts to fade, and we realize that losing weight involves work, we often become plagued by “weight loss woes.” Having a plan to manage these roadblocks can make all the difference in achieving weight loss goals. Here are examples of common weight loss woes, as well as ideas for how to move through them and make progress: “The goal just seems too big.” The most effective goals are “SMART” goals: “Specific (simple, sensible, significant), Measurable (meaningful, motivating), Achievable (agreed, attainable), Realistic (reasonable, relevant, resourced, results-based), and Time-Bound (time-based, time-limited, time/cost-limited, timely, time-sensitive),” (Duncan Haughey). For example, instead of, “I want a summer body,” a much more effective goal would be, “I want to lose 50 pounds in 9 months.” It’s Specific, Measurable, and Time-Bound. Whether the goal is Achievable and Realistic depends on the individual and can be discussed with a health practitioner or doctor. “I have no idea where to start.” Beginning your weight loss journey can be overwhelming. A burning desire to lose 50 pounds or gain more muscle mass can lead to bewilderment. After all, there are countless ways to go about achieving those goals, such as different diets and workout plans, and the best approaches often depend on factors such as age, gender, and body type. Having options is great, but choosing a strategy can be complicated and overwhelming. How do you know what is best for you? First, start with a plan that is self-compassionate, respectful to your body, and in line with your lifestyle and schedule. Then, use your resources. Your doctor can provide medical advice about what workouts are safe for you. A personal trainer can teach you how to exercise. Friends can offer encouragement and support. A counselor can help you build coping skills to replace emotional eating. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help at the beginning of your weight loss path, but also along the way. “I love food.” This may sound radical, but for most people trying to lose weight, no foods should be off-limits. Oftentimes, barring certain foods can make you more likely to overindulge or even binge later. Most individuals on the weight loss journey still can occasionally enjoy the foods they love but in smaller portions. Any decrease in unhealthy food intake, even if it’s small, will help with weight loss. For example, if one mini-burger will help lessen your cravings and combat the urge to give in and have a super-sized, double patty burger with fries and a shake later, then eat the mini-burger. Discover what works for your body, and be kind to yourself as you find your balance. “I hate working out.” In the words of an inspirational fitness certification class master trainer, “Find your soulmate workout,” a.k.a., the workout that you miss if you go too long without it. If you haven’t yet found a type of exercise you enjoy, keep trying different workouts, e.g., dancing, yoga, running, etc. If you hate a certain type of workout, don’t force yourself to do it. In the beginning of your journey, it’s important to have an exercise plan that you look forward to partaking in, or at least a workout that you don’t dread. This will aid you in sticking with it. A good workout is one you do. “My progress is so slow.” The Time-Bound aspect of weight loss goals can be a source of major woe for those on this journey, and the process often can feel slow-going. Determine a time frame with a compassionate and knowledgeable approach. For example, the standard recommendation for weight loss is to lose approximately 2 pounds per week. The science of weight loss is straightforward: calories in vs. calories out. To lose one pound, you must either burn 3500 calories or consume 3500 fewer calories. Therefore, a 50-pound weight loss should be broken down into chunks of about 4 to 8 pounds per month, and losing 50 pounds should take anywhere from 6 months to 1 year. Remind yourself that the process can occur only one step at a time. “I’ve failed before, so I’ll probably fail again.” You might have tried to lose weight numerous times before and not attained your goal, but try to reframe your thinking about your previous experiences. What did you learn from those attempts? How can you apply that knowledge towards this step in your journey? Use that information you gained in the past in creating your goal this time. ANY negative self-talk about yourself or your body. Be compassionate with yourself. “Self-compassion has been defined as a mindful awareness of oneself, which involves treating oneself kindly and understanding oneself during difficult and challenging times by realizing that such experiences are common amongst all humans,” (Neff, 2003a). Begin your journey with an understanding and a promise to yourself to work on you in a way that is respectful. Self-compassion itself may even help you lose the weight. In some weight loss studies, it has been found that, “participants lost more weight when they participated in a mindful self-compassionate program compared to a control group,” (Mantzios and Wilson, 2015). At the outset of the process, begin with an understanding of your limitations and appreciation of what you can do for your health. As you do this, if you begin to identity negative self-talk, replace it with kind, compassionate words. For example, “My legs are so huge,” can be replaced with, “My legs are strong.” Change, “I’m so slow; I used to run a 7-minute mile,” to, “I know I can improve my mile time.” Acknowledge that you are grateful to start this journey toward better health. Take time to understand that you are worthy and enough just as you are. Your size does not determine your self-worth. You define who you are, NOT your scale, body mass index, or body fat ratio. As you start your journey, remember to compassionately go about your goals. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend as you make and execute your plan. Start your journey with you in mind. Create goals that are attainable and SMART. If you hit a roadblock, seek help. See a doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, or counselor who can help you achieve your goals. Most of all, work towards these goals in a self-compassionate way, and remember that you are worth it. Merrissa Hughes, M.Ed., LPC-I, is a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at The Conative Group, supervised by Andres Tapia, Ph.D., LPC-S. In addition to providing therapy in Houston, Texas, Merrissa is an ACE and AFAA-certified Group Fitness Instructor and teaches courses in numerous fitness formats. Gaining self-compassion through her personal weight loss accomplishment (over 50 pounds) has led her to help others navigate their own journeys. Merrissa is also a former educator, a wife and mother of two beautiful children, and a lover of all things sweet.

By: Patricia R. Hamilton, MS, LMFT Is it me, or does this year seem more stressful than most? I recently read a Welcome Back to School letter-to-parents, written by Mr. John Allman, Headmaster of one of NYC’s most prestigious private schools and the former Headmaster at St John’s School in Houston. In his letter to parents, he stated, “I hate to be a downer as we prepare for the excitement of the new school year, but it seems to me that we are living through a profound cultural climate change, and we are suffering through storms of civil division that seem to be pulling our nation apart, as surely as tectonic plates separating our coasts from the heartland. In this Age of the Selfie, we seem to have lost the necessary balance in the timeless need to balance our separateness and our togetherness, our differences and the common good, our diversity and our community. How ought we to go about the work of attending to the collective as well as individual well-being? With such widespread unrest, some wonder if everyone is suffering with Generalized Anxiety Disorder? You decide… Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) From the DSM-5: The presence of excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of topics, events, or activities. Worry occurs more often than not for at least 6 months and is clearly excessive. Excessive worry means worrying even when there is nothing wrong or in a manner that is disproportionate to the actual risk. This typically involves spending a high percentage of waking hours worrying about something. The worry may be accompanied by reassurance-seeking from others. In adults, the worry can be about job responsibilities or performance, one’s own health or the health of family members, financial matters, and other everyday, typical life circumstances. Of note, in children, the worry is more likely to be about their abilities or the quality of their performance (for example, in school). The worry is experienced as very challenging to control. The worry in both adults and children may shift from one topic to another. The anxiety and worry are associated with at least three of the following physical or cognitive symptoms (In children, only one symptom is necessary for a diagnosis of GAD): Edginess or restlessness Tiring easily; more fatigued than usual Impaired concentration or feeling as though the mind goes blank Irritability (which may or may not be observable to others) Increased muscle aches or soreness Difficulty sleeping (due to trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, restlessness at night, or unsatisfying sleep) Many individuals with GAD also experience symptoms such as sweating, nausea, or diarrhea. The anxiety, worry, or associated symptoms make it hard to carry out day-to-day activities and responsibilities. They may cause problems in relationships, at work, or in other important areas. These symptoms are unrelated to any other medical conditions and cannot be explained by the effect of substances including a prescription medication, alcohol, or recreational drugs. These symptoms are not better explained by a different mental disorder. Whether these symptoms resonate with you or not, they may apply to someone in your life. Or, maybe it’s just the holidays….. However, it begs the question….What does a country, a community, a family, or an individual do to feel better, grounded, and more at peace? With so much uncertainty in the world, how can we enjoy the holidays and embrace the extraordinary potential and opportunities of a New Year, with peace in our hearts and goodwill toward all men? IMPORTANT:​ ​If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, seek professional help. Anxiety disorders are extremely treatable! Consider these tips when you are feeling anxious or stressed: Take​ ​a​ ​time​ ​out.​ Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from the problem helps clear your head. Eat​ ​well-balanced​ ​meals.​ ​Do not skip any meals. Do keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand. Limit​ ​alcohol​ ​and​ ​caffeine​, which can aggravate anxiety and trigger panic attacks. Get​ ​enough​ ​sleep.​ When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest. Exercise​ ​daily​ to help you feel good and maintain your health. Take​ ​deep​ ​breaths​. Inhale and exhale slowly. Count​ ​to​ ​10​ ​slowly​. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary. Do​ ​your​ ​best​. Instead of aiming for perfection, which isn't possible, be proud of however close you get. Accept​ ​that​ ​you​ ​cannot​ ​control​ ​everything​. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think? Welcome​ ​humor​. A good laugh goes a long way. Maintain​ ​a​ ​positive​ ​attitude​. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Get​ ​involved.​ Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community, which creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress. Learn​ ​what​ ​triggers​ ​your​ ​anxiety.​ Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern. One last suggestion and perhaps one of the most effective… Keep a Gratitude Journal. Commit to writing in it everyday. Be specific in your entries and why you are grateful and for whom. This practice has many long term benefits. Done regularly, it will actually change the wiring in your brain and shift your to what’s right with the world. Luckily, the brain cannot focus on gratitude and despair at the same time. Stay with it and write often. The benefits happen over time. From our grateful hearts to yours. We, The Conative Group, wish you a happy, peaceful, restorative holiday season.

By: Dr. Kimberly Harrison Do your picture-perfect holiday gatherings end up with arguments, meltdowns, sulky-attitudes or tantrums? Holidays provide a welcome break from the mundane, but changes in routines and schedules often create problems, especially for children and teens with ADHD.  Some people adapt – and even thrive – when schedules are changed, but many are unable to balance the social, emotional, and physical demands which ensue. That’s because routines provide a predictable framework for moving through the day. Without them, many people struggle to effectively navigate. ADHD involves a difference in executive functioning, which means that persons with ADHD often have trouble with transitions, managing sensory input, planning and organizing new tasks, and regulating emotions. Take a moment to think about the many “new” experiences a child has to manage during the holidays. For example, they often must make choices about how and when to do unfamiliar activities, or  figure out how to interact with friends and relatives they only see occasionally. Add to that changes in sleep schedules, too much sugar, lack of predictable down time, and over-stimulating environments, and you have a holiday recipe for disaster. Here are a few tips to avoid holiday emotional overload: Talk about what to expect Do this every day during the holidays at least once, and more often if you have several events in a day. It’s important to discuss Who, What, When, Where and What’s Expected prior to each event. For example, “Grandma and Grandpa are coming for dinner along with Aunt Keisha and Uncle Trey and your cousins, Matt and Maya. They will be arriving in about an hour and will stay to visit after dinner. I know you’d rather play video games, but this is time when you are expected to be social. Make sure to say hello to the adults, and then, even though they are younger than you, I expect you to play with your cousins. What are some fun things you can do with them?” Then discuss options for activities. Physically Prepare Make sure your children get enough sleep, eat healthy, and exercise throughout the holidays. If they go to bed late, try to allow them to sleep in or take a nap the next day.  If your child won’t nap, require a 1-hour “quiet time” in the middle of the day to read or play independently. Take walks, ride bikes, or play on the playground in the morning and in the afternoon. Monitor the amount of sweets a child consumes. It’s fun to make this a game, and in the process, you are teaching your child how to create healthy habits. For example, you and your child can create a checklist of food groups (or specific items) and have your child mark what they consume throughout the day, making sure that nutritious options are checked before treats. Offer rewards for sticking to the plan. Schedule Down Time If your child loves to play on the iPad, or watch certain TV shows, or Snapchat with friends, discuss when they can and cannot do those activities. Let them know that you understand having time for these activities is important. Avoid saying things like, “You’ll just have to live without it for a day.” Then make sure to schedule specific times when they can pursue an activity of choice. Generally, the amount of time for personal activities must be modified during the holidays. Use this as an opportunity to talk about balancing demands of new situations. Plan wisely Parents typically know how much a child can tolerate before overload sets in. When making holiday plans, don’t be afraid to say you will be leaving shortly after dinner, or will arrive a bit late if you think it will work best for your family. Bring relaxing or non-stimulating activities (books, puzzles, etc) to offer as a respite if needed. Ask for a quiet room in which your child can lie down or relax. For teens, it’s important to remember that developmentally, they are wired to pull away from family and gravitate toward peers. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have to participate in family events, but it helps to be sensitive and acknowledge that it might be difficult for them. Help your teen create a place where they can “chill out” for brief periods of time on especially long visits, or scheduled time to talk with friends. Manage Transitions Give specific information about when your child needs to do something different, plan as much time for the transition as you can, and make time visible. If you will be leaving for grandma’s house in 30 minutes, for example, tell the child that in 15 minutes he needs to put on his shoes and socks. Don’t wait until the 29th minute, as that does not factor in transition time.  Set a timer. Offer positive reinforcement when a task is accomplished. Also, keep in mind that no one likes to be instantly removed from a pleasurable activity. If your child is watching television or playing a video game, make sure to be clear about when that activity needs to end. If there is not enough time for them to complete watching the program or playing the game, negotiate in advance a time which might work better, and offer an alternative activity. Have a back-up plan When a child reaches overload, you have 2 choices: live through the meltdown or de-escalate the stress. Often, you can tweak your original plan to assist your child with calming down before meltdown occurs. It is OK to leave early, give them an electronic device, take a break to walk or listen to music, or whatever you think will help. Decide in advance what you are comfortable with, and, if necessary, have another adult clued in so they can assist if needed. Be open to creating a “new tradition.” Traditions are simply a repetition of activities in similar places or times. The good news is that you can create new holiday activities, and they become traditions if you repeat them. For example, who says you must have your holiday pie for dessert after the big evening meal? If too many sweets create overload for your tired child, why not make it your tradition to cut the pies at lunch, or for an afternoon snack, or for breakfast the next morning? When possible, have your child participate in creating new traditions to problem-solve potential trouble spots. Holidays are precious times, but can present challenges for children and teens with ADHD. With a little bit of planning, however, you can ensure that you and your child successfully navigate the unpredictable to create memories you’ll want to remember.