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Tips On What You Can Do To Treat Yourself With Kindness and Feel Better By: Tami Sheena, MA, LPC-A. (Supervised by Louise Dreyfus, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S) One of my biggest pet peeves while being around people I care about is to hear them criticize themselves with negative self-talk. Examples of this are “I’m so stupid. I can never do anything right”, “I am not good enough“, "I suck”, or "I’m an idiot." Negative thoughts arise for all of us. But, with mindfulness we can redirect self judgement and elicit healthier responses. It starts by acknowledging, “These are the thoughts and emotions that are arising in my conscious awareness in the present moment.” This type of simple statement of fact has no blame attached. We don’t need to lambaste ourselves for thinking those nasty thoughts or feeling those destructive emotions. We can simply let them go. As long as we don’t get lost in a storyline that justifies and reinforces them, they will tend to dissipate on their own. "A weed that is not given water will eventually wither and fade away. At the same time, when a wholesome thought or feeling arises, we can hold it in loving awareness and allow it to fully blossom”. - Kristin Neff I challenge you to start putting self-compassion in your life. Making it as important to your daily regimen as brushing your teeth. Self-compassion is offering yourself the comfort and compassion you would offer to a friend confronted with a similar situation they may be struggling with. Noticing we all experience difficult times connects us, and giving ourselves the gift of self-compassion and self-love then allows us to offer love and compassion to others. There are some easy ways to provide yourself with compassion. Soothing touch and meditation exercises are ways you can start your journey into self-compassion. Think of it as a way of life that you choose to help manage emotions both big and small. Try paying attention to your thoughts and when you notice you are being unkind to yourself. Perhaps allow your hand to come to your heart as a gesture of kindness. A traditional Buddhist practice to direct kindness to oneself and others is called “loving kindness meditation.” A good technique in the practice of self-compassion is having three loving kindness phrases to say silently to yourself when difficult emotions or situations arise. An example of a loving kindness phrase is "May I be at peace, May I be healthy, and May I live with ease." You can also say these phrases directed towards a dear friend loved one or someone you know is struggling. These phrases cultivate goodwill and your wish for happiness and health for yourself and others. Having a self-compassion tool kit can help you take care of yourself in times you struggle in daily life. These 5 examples are just a couple tools to use for self-compassion. Physical (Relax the body) Exercise, get a massage, take a warm bath, sip a cup of tea. Mental (Reduce agitation) Meditate, watch a funny movie, read an inspiring book. Emotional (Soothe and comfort yourself) Have a good cry, pet the dog or cat, listen to music. Relational (Connect with others) Meet with friends, send a birthday card, play a game. Spiritual (Commit to your values) Pray, walk in the woods, help others. The challenge, of course, is to remember to do these self-care activities when we struggle in daily life. Go ahead – you can do it. Why not start by incorporating one activity listed above. I believe in you! References: Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85-102.

By: Kristine Habibi, MS, LPC-A. Supervised by Thomas O. Whitehead, MA, LPC-S. While the COVID-19 Pandemic may seem like ancient history for many of us, the world has adapted in many ways and is still healing. Before the pandemic, teenagers already had to worry about things such as acne, awkward haircuts, what clothes and shoes to wear, body shape and weight, fitting in, and so on. Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers, but can we really blame them? The saying “the teenage years are the most difficult” is true for many. In adolescence, not only is the prefrontal cortex underdeveloped, but progesterone, estrogen, and testosterone heavily fluctuate, affecting their mood and emotions. As a clinician who specializes in working with children and adolescents in the private practice and school environments, I have noticed that the self-image of many youths has been affected by this pandemic. A notable percentage of my teenage clients have remarked feeling insecure in situations that force them to remove their masks. They feel insecure without their mask, which served in many ways as a security blanket for years. In addition, these teenagers feel insecure when their peers point out that most people have already removed their masks, and this person is now deemed the odd one out. With that being said, below are tips for self-image and building resiliency. Tips for Pre-teenagers and Teenagers: Understand what specifically triggers feelings of anxiety associated with unmasking and explore possible solutions. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. It may seem as though no one around you understands your situation, but many people share the same or similar insecurity. Begin with taking off your mask at school lunch, around a small group of trusted friends or family, and so on, to build confidence. Then move on to unmasking for longer periods of time and around larger groups of people. Practice positive self-talk via positive affirmations and avoid negative self-talk, as negative thoughts can become accepted as your reality. Tips for Parents of Pre-teenagers and Teenagers: Intentionally listen to the worries and concerns of your children and validate what they are feeling. Remember that what may seem unimportant to you may be very impactful for your child. Do not rush your child or force them to go cold turkey. Small steps toward unmasking will be more effective if your child is very stressed about unmasking. Avoid negative self-talk and negative talk about your child. Enable your child to develop internal validation and not rely on external validation from yourself or others. On a more positive note, teenagers are resilient. Unfortunate parts of life, such as teasing, often build character and shape them into a strong person when coupled with a strong support system and healthy self-image.

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC So much of how we produce and consume news has drastically changed in recent years. The way today’s world communicates and receives the news is very immediate, constant, repetitive, and right at our fingertips. The news itself and the way news is presented takes a toll on our individual minds and society’s mental health. It is important to examine our relationship with media and have some coping skills in place. Much like how we take steps to care for our physical health and well-being by practicing hygiene, we must also practice mental hygiene. Accessibility and Immediacy The ease of accessing information is both a gift and a curse. While we are more informed than ever before, we have no process time and no breaks from the flood of information. The days of watching the nightly news for an hour per day as the sole source of current events are gone, as we are now constantly receiving updates, often hour by hour online. Today, within seconds of an event, folks can pull out their smartphones to capture gruesome crimes or accidents and post them for the world to see. With almost no lag time, the whole world can be informed. With how immediately things can be sent and posted—and not so easily retracted or deleted without a trace—room for inaccuracy or lack of context is high. Graphic Sights and Sounds Prior to cameras being built into our daily lives, reporters and photographers were the only folks capturing images. Grainy photos printed on newspapers were all that those readers had, with their imagination putting the pieces together. In today’s world, every person has the capacity to record their version of a disaster from their own angle in high definition. Not only do we see the fullness of the event in real-time through dozens of smartphone videos, but we hear the nauseating sounds of gunshots or screams. We must also consider the individuals who are spending the most time with screens: our young people. Young folks are growing up in a world where they see the sights and hear the sounds of tragedies right at their fingertips and in their earbuds constantly. Seeing these images repeatedly leaves our autonomic nervous system in a constant state of fight or flight. Repetition and Re-Traumatization In the days of nightly news or weekly newspapers, folks made a conscious choice to consume the news as a part of their routine. After the paper was read, it was discarded. After the news was over, the TV was turned off or the channel was changed. We had space to recover, process, move on, and forget. Today, news stories and videos are repeated for weeks or months on end. Each year on the anniversary of an event, the stored footage is played and we experience it all over again. Young people who weren’t even alive at the time of the event are forced to experience it for themselves instead of hearing about it through verbal stories like the ones our grandparents told us. There is no time for processing what we’ve seen, therefore it is never converted into our long-term memory. It stays very present and real, re-traumatizing viewers again and again. Practicing Mental Hygiene Surrounding Media and News We must examine our relationship with the media and the role it plays in our lives and our young people’s lives. To preserve our mental health and regulate the stress and anxiety caused by what is happening in the world, we must take care of our minds by practicing mental hygiene. Think about ways you can care for your mind and be thoughtful about what you allow into your brain space. Here are 5 ideas: Take Breaks Stop scrolling or turn off the TV. Allow for news-free periods where you intentionally focus on other things. This might entail breaks from the internet and social media altogether. Schedule Times to Consume News It is important to stay informed. Schedule a start time and end time for how much time you’d like to spend reading or watching. When the end time comes, be diligent in upholding your commitment to stop. Talk It Out with Someone You Trust Verbal processing is a helpful way to make sense of what’s happening in the world. Talk about your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust. It can help to hear their perspective too. Feeling connected in the wake of tragedy and fear can bring comfort and peace. Control the Controllable News activates fear because things happening in the world often feel so out of our control. Remind yourself of the things you CAN control—your thoughts, your decisions, your actions. Take a step toward “controlling the controllable” whenever things feel overwhelming. Volunteer, vote, talk about it, take steps to keep yourself and your family safe, use information to help change how you do things in your slice of the world. Restore emotional regulation by restoring a sense of control. Practice Mindfulness to Maintain Balance Staying in charge of how we think and feel surrounding the news through mindfulness can help us manage how it affects us. Visual imagery is a helpful way to practice mindfulness: Imagine your mind as a house. When pieces of news or thoughts come knocking—peacefully or trying to barge their way in—imagine yourself standing at the door looking out the peephole. You get to examine the thought for however long you need to before deciding if you’ll let it in or not. You can choose to pull the shades down, keep the door locked, and walk away. You can choose to look at it from a distance through the peephole or window. Or you can invite it inside to come be a part of your day and life. This is a way we can practice setting boundaries with what thoughts we allow in and what thoughts we choose to let pass us by.

By: Toby D. Howell, LCSW Life is happening. It has always happened. It is expected to continue happening. The only place or time that it happens though is in the here and now, in the present moments as we are living it. Change is a fundamental tenet of life. It is happening all the time. It is the one constant in life. The saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same” is a fallacy which only appears to be true. That’s because we humans get stuck with automatic behavioral patterns that can make it seem that way. And, we reinforce these patterns of stuckness the longer we stay on auto-pilot. The art of experiential therapy uses awareness as a primary tool to bring life into the therapeutic encounter. It allows for change in automatic behavioral patterns by bringing awareness to them. This then results in the existence of choices and possibilities where before there were none. Experiential therapy focuses on the life being lived and responded to in the present moment, which creates the conditions for change to happen. Are you ready to experience some things new in you? Contact me to start your therapy journey today.

By: Kimberly Harrison, Ph.D Children who never before knew of Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II are mourning her death. Why is that? Why are some sad and others worried? And what can parents and teachers do to help? (Source Skysports) The grassroots communication system of children is amazing. Playground chatter is filled with interesting and new tidbits of information which children often repeat to each other and to their families. Classrooms provide a platform for discussing current events. So, even if your child has never before heard about Queen Elizabeth II, or if you’ve never mentioned her death, they could be grieving. Psychologist, Urie Bronfenbrenner, created a theory of child development called The Ecological Systems Theory (later called the Bioecolgical Model) which suggests that children learn, grow and develop within several systems of influence, and the interaction of these systems shapes their worldview and emotional responses. (Source SimplyPsychology) The Microsystem represents the child’s immediate world. It generally is comprised of family, friends, classmates and others with whom the child interacts on a regular basis. The Mesosystem describes how the different members of the microsystem interact and how that impacts the child. For example, parents and teachers are both in the Microsystem. If they collaborate and have regular interaction, then it often helps the child. If they rarely interact or send opposing messages, then this mesosystem can have a negative impact on the child. The Exosystem is comprised of those social structures which in one way or another impact a child and/or members of their smaller systems. This can include neighborhoods, parent’s workplaces and mass media. This is where many “hidden influences” lie. The Macrosystem represents how cultural elements impact a child. Everything from socioeconomic status to ethnicity to geographic location. Finally, the Chronosystem represents the changes in the child’s life over time which impact their development, such as moving to a new home, changing schools, parent’s divorcing, and the like. Often parents and teachers focus on their own piece of a child’s world – the Microsystem – and are baffled when the child reacts to outside information. But remember the Exosystem! When the beloved Queen Elizabeth II passed away on September 8, 2022, the news spread like wildfire. Many classrooms discussed the news as it was breaking. Playground talk was filled with concepts of royalty, old age, and death. And, of course, each child has a different perspective on those things. Some are in awe of how long she ruled, others came face-to-face with the concept of death for the first time. Images of people around the world crying, businesses closing, and talk of the world never being the same again impacted children. Maybe your child. So, what do you do? First, take cues from your child. If they are not talking about it and you don’t notice any emotional and/or behavior changes, then you don’t have to do anything out of the ordinary. Secondly, if they are talking about the news, then follow up based on what they are most interested in. Talk to them on their level. If they are asking about what will happen to the world, then discuss how many things change but we keep going, and that you are there for your child. In the end, they want to know “how will this affect me?” If they are overly concerned about death and loss, then talk with them about how loss can hurt and it’s OK to cry and be sad. Then help them do something to remember the good things about the person. In this case, maybe they could put together a tribute to the Queen. Whatever you do, listen to your child and focus on what has impacted them. You don’t have to overreact, but acknowledging their feelings will help them feel heard and less stressed. Most importantly, you will be helping them learn how to effectively deal with whatever comes next.

By: Patricia R. Hamilton, MS, LMFT Sow a thought and you reap an act; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny. Charles Reade The truest measure of character is evidenced by what we do. Our single greatest responsibility is to be moral and to build moral intelligence in our children. We are not perfect, nor will our children ever be perfect. As human beings, we all struggle with our decisions, choosing right over wrong, putting good character ahead of instant gratification and relief. We learn to call on our higher selves by striving, day after day, to be good. Moral intelligence is learned and building moral intelligence in your children begins in their earliest years of life. What is moral intelligence? Dr. Michelle Borba, renowned educator and author, describes the seven essential virtues of moral intelligence. Empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. The core virtues, the ones most critical and foundational for the rest, are empathy, conscience, and self-control. In a world increasingly conflicted with controversy, hatred, polarization, and a relentless, never-ending supply of rhetoric and biased messaging coming at us from every medium, parents must also be relentless and the first in line to be the teacher, the model, and the moral authority for their children. The education and building of moral intelligence in our children begins at home. We are imperfect beings so our children will witness our process. They will see our struggle and the legitimate suffering that so often accompanies making difficult choices and striving to do the right thing, even when the cost is high. As we demonstrate good character and our own moral intelligence, our children will notice, learn and internalize these virtues as well. When we come up short, and we will, we must openly own our mistakes and misjudgments and make amends, so our children will learn how and find dignity in the truth. Our mistakes don't define us. It is what we do next that determines our character. Actions speak louder than words. We must strive and teach our children to strive to be morally good, especially in a world so confused about what is right and wrong.

By: Alana Tristan, MS, LPC-A, Supervised by Roxanne Deams, LPC-S. One of life’s certainties is change. Some people adapt easily to new events while others find it difficult to adjust. Whether you thrive on the excitement of experiencing something new, or whether you tend to experience anxiety about possibly losing control when events happen suddenly, too fast, or too much, having a balanced approach is important. We can’t “stranger danger” change and just suspiciously avoid it. So, the big question is: how do you handle change? Personally, I disliked change growing up, even if it was good. I liked to know what I was getting into before deciding on something. I’ll admit…it was a control and protection net. Yup, guilty as charged! However, I became more open-minded the older I became and learned how to embrace change. I now understand it as an opportunity for self-improvement. I realized that it is not as scary as I thought. Phew! Sure, I may still feel uncomfortable at first, but I try to evaluate what I can gain or learn from something different coming my way. I’ve learned that having a healthy relationship to change leads to a healthy relationship to growth. The Adulting Program here at The Conative Group is designed to assist individuals through changes as they emerge into adulthood. This includes finding a (new) job, applying to schools, exploring the next steps of how to live independently, and much more. No matter what type of change it is, it is awesome to witness young adults find what works for them. You can do it too! Here are a few tips to make change seem less stressful: Reflect On Character Development Who you are and who you want to be. Having core values as a benchmark for your life helps make outside change easier to manage. Evaluate How Impactful Is The Change Is it hurting or helping? That is how you find peace in knowing that it is the right thing to change. Be Open-Minded Try having a balance of embracing new opportunities while also sitting in the change and allowing yourself time to process it. As humans, we are literally designed to change physically, psychologically, and emotionally throughout life. My role as a therapist is to help you or your loved one navigate the change process. The key to therapy is the self-awareness that allows you to take control of your own choices so that you can bring the change you want for yourself. Seasons in life can provide emotional and psychological muscles to become better versions of ourselves. It is okay to lean in and embrace it. I’m rooting for you!

By: Kimberly Harrison, Ph.D What is something you want changed for yourself or your children? Have you been struggling to find the right time to implement it? Good news! Change is a natural part of summer, so you might have a perfect opportunity to start something new right now. Think about it - summer often provides a natural time for transitions. Kids have ended one grade level and are preparing to start another. Family routines shift. The days are longer and the weather is warmer. All you have to do is follow a few simple steps to make your dream of change a reality. Let Everyone In On The Secret. Be positive and introduce what you want to do and tell why it’s a great time for it. For example, if you want your children to start independently getting up and out of bed in the morning, you can say something like, “You have become so mature and independent. I’m so proud of you. One of the most important habits you can have is to get up on time all by yourself. This will be important when you are in 2nd and 4th grades because you know how busy our mornings are. It will be a big help for me, and I think you are ready. We will start practicing using an alarm clock this summer.” Create a Plan. Have action steps with timelines assigned. In the example above, you might create a plan to buy a cool new alarm clock, pick a day to start using it, and have a reward in place for getting up that first day or two. Review Progress. This is one of the most important parts of the plan, but the step many folks ignore. Sadly, if you don’t monitor success, the change often doesn’t stick and the attempt goes into the pile of “I tried but it didn’t work.” Troubleshoot if the change doesn’t immediately take hold. Brainstorm with those involved to see how to modify. On the other hand, if everything has worked well, take a moment to celebrate. Marking success is fun and it reminds everyone about the progress they’ve made. Yes! You can create a culture of change in your family starting this summer. After that, regularly talk with each family member to see what they would like to improve or something you’d like to see happen. While traditions are great, there are always improvements that need to take place to help develop independence, make life run more smoothly, and create more harmony in the home. One of my favorite sayings is, “A goal without a plan I just a wish.” Summer is the perfect time to set goals and make plans. Save the wishes for later!

By: Jenna Cook, M.Ed., LPC, NCC If you’ve arrived at a place where you wonder if therapy could be helpful to you or your family, you’ve made such a brave step, yet probably feel nervous about where to start. It can feel so vulnerable and daunting to select someone—essentially a stranger— to share the realest parts of your life with. Finding a therapist is a multistep process that can be extra hard when you're in a crisis or not-great emotional space to begin with. Here are some things to consider as you take steps toward finding someone who is right for you. Where to Start: Gain an understanding of what exists near you Do a quick online search for mental health resources that fit your needs Think about your ideals and non-negotiables: Determine what you do or do not want in a therapist. Think about: Their age, gender, race, religion, and other personal/identifying info Their openness to working with certain issues and populations Their experience level, license, and education The approaches, theories, and techniques they use Their rates and whether or not they accept insurance Use a matching site to help you narrow it down PsychologyToday and Mental Health Match are great tools that can help you sort potential matches. Select about 3 clinicians to reach out to and schedule initial visits with Be honest with all of them that you’re meeting with several other options Ask questions! You are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you The initial session is typically interview-style, consisting of lots of questions for the clinician to get a broad scope of who you are. This is also a great time for you to get to know them too—their approach, education, techniques, ways of communicating, etc. It is important to be honest with yourself and with the therapist about what you are looking for - and NOT looking for - in the therapy experience. If at any point in the get-to-know-you process you feel like discontinuing with that therapist, let them know. A good therapist will help you find a better fit. The more honest and direct you are, the better your therapist can help. This part of the process brings growth and healing all on its own because you are actively seeking better for yourself. It is okay to feel good and proud for caring about yourself in this way. Ideas of Questions to Ask a Potential New Therapist: What made you select this career and your specialization? What types of clients do you typically see? Who is your ideal client? From where do you draw most of your inspiration professionally? Do you take a more directive approach? Or a more explorational, non-directive approach? How long do clients usually stay with you in therapy? How much experience do you have in working with ________________? (specific trauma, mental health issue, client demographic or population) Are there any issues or types clients you do not work with? How can I contact you in between sessions? How will I know we are making progress? If we aren’t the right fit, do you have other professionals you can refer me to? Gather as much information as you can and use it to help you choose. Openness, honesty toward yourself and others, curiosity, and willingness to dip your toe into discomfort or uncertainty are what you will need to find growth and healing while beginning your therapy journey. It takes immense vulnerability and bravery to initiate but can be so worth it. If something gets in the way of finding an in-person therapist like cost, distance, health concerns, busy schedule, or anxiety, tons of therapists are available via online therapy or phone. Our team of clinicians at The Conative Group is all well-versed in providing teletherapy and are willing to meet you wherever you are to help determine if we are the right fit for you.

By: Melissa Fasteau, PsyD Research suggests the most effective treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety disorders are exposure-based interventions. Exposure can be a loaded word for many individuals, initially increasing feelings of anxiety and maybe even trepidation about therapy. It makes sense that our brains want to protect us from feeling distress, and the initial reaction to doing an exposure is to have the urge to run away or say, “Hey, Melissa, do you really know what you’re talking about?” Yes, exposures are a way to change someone relates to the experience of anxiety; not to eliminate the emotional experience. Many individuals with anxiety tend to avoid feared thoughts and situations, which further reinforces that these events should be scary or dangerous. However, when we lean in and face the fear, our brains start to learn a new message, that it is safe and tolerable to allow that feared thought or to participate in the feared situation. How exactly do I do these exposures and get the most out of them? The most important factor in exposures is willingness. Willingness is the choice to put effort into feeling and experiencing. This means accepting and feeling the emotions of anxiety, uncertainty, and other unknown experiences that may occur. It can be helpful to have an open and curious mind about the exposure, which can lead to letting go of the struggle. Often the struggle against the feeling of fighting against thoughts is what often exacerbates the severity of anxiety and OCD. Exposures are successful when people are able to learn that it is possible to live with discomfort rather than to fight against the feeling. When someone learns how to let go of control and accept that emotions and thoughts come and go, they can experience the freeing feeling of letting go of the struggle. If you're struggling with OCD, please feel free to contact me. I am a specialist in treating OCD and related disorders, anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and body-focused repetitive behaviors. I also have expertise in providing evidence-based treatments, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), exposure and response prevention (ERP), and habit reversal therapy (HRT).