Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

When asked about future goals, many people state that they "just want to be happy." Heck, I used to be one of them!

However, through my training in psychology, I've learned that while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve our wellbeing, seeking happiness, specifically, tends to set us up for failure. Let’s explore why it’s okay to not be happy, why “being happy” is not realistic, and how the perpetual search for happiness can be damaging to our emotional well-being. 

Happiness is Not the Baseline

If we’re thinking about “being happy,” it would make sense that happiness would be our baseline. Often, happiness is thought of as being a "typical" person's natural state. However, this is patently false. I would assert that such a baseline emotion doesn't exist (as I'll explain in the next section), but for the sake of argument, let's think about a time when you felt neutral. Picture yourself scrolling on your phone, walking your dog, or running errands when you're not in a hurry. How would you describe it? Words that come to mind might be calm, content, or indifferent — not necessarily happy, which is a typical response to such situations. In other words, not feeling happy, even when you’re not experiencing an alternative strong emotion, is okay. 

Feeling Happy Does Not Mean Being Happy All of the Time

Happiness is an emotion, not a permanent state. In any given day, we experience a whole host of other emotions, ranging from sadness to contentment to anger, all of which are perfectly normal. Reflect on your daily routine: If you're like me, you wake up feeling groggy or irritated about having to get out of bed. Once you have your morning coffee, you might feel pleasant, content, and motivated. However, when you hit your morning commute, rage at unnecessary traffic and incompetent drivers often takes over. Stress occurs when you're running behind schedule or realize you're low on gas... You've experienced all of these emotions, and the day has barely begun! This goes to show that our not-so-natural state is continuously in flux, and it would be unrealistic to expect us to always feel one emotion. When we do feel happy, it's only a matter of time before another emotion emerges, and that's part of being human. 

If You're Not Happy, There's Nothing Wrong With You

Thanks to human nature and social media, we frequently compare ourselves to one another. This often leads to assuming that we are "less happy" than everyone else, and makes us feel like something is wrong or that we are not as good as others in our social sphere. However, it's important to remember that, unless someone is in our intimate circle, we are likely only sharing the positive. Consider social media. Although there are some exceptions, most posts we see are about people showing off their vacations, kids' achievements, and exercise gains. We're not seeing when others are having a "just okay" or crummy day. Keeping that at the forefront of our minds can be useful in nipping the comparisons in the bud and halting self-deprecatory thoughts. Further, as discussed above, happiness is NOT what every "normal person" feels all the time. Life is challenging and has natural ups and downs. So, if you're not happy, there is nothing wrong with you!

How Chasing Happiness Can Be Damaging

Although seeking a fulfilling existence is appropriate, the constant focus on happiness can be self-defeating and detrimental to our wellbeing. This is because attempting to be happy is not a clear goal. When we set goals for the future, we want them to be SMART, that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time Specific. 

Specific. First, seeking “happiness” is not very specific. What does “being happy” look like? How will you know when you reach your happiness goal? You can’t meet a goal that isn’t well defined, and therefore, you’re setting yourself up for failure. 

Measurable. How would you measure your state of happiness? Would you rate your mood every second of every day? That would get complicated quickly. Maybe once a day? But then you’re not capturing whether you are ALWAYS happy. While measurement could potentially be achieved, it would be difficult. 

Attainable. As discussed, a state of happiness cannot be attained, since our emotions are constantly in flux. Working toward a goal that can never be met is frustrating. It often leaves one questioning their self-worth and leads to low self-esteem and pessimism about the future. 

Relevant. While seeking happiness may have relevance to leading a fulfilling life, more specific and attainable goals would provide better guidance.

Time Specific. When are you hoping to achieve happiness, and how long will it last? Maybe you want to increase the amount of time you feel happy during a day, or the number of days out of the week in which you feel happy at least once, and you want to do so in the next 6 weeks. That’s a valid goal. However, preparing to work on sustaining a happy feeling indefinitely is not time-limited, and quite frankly, sounds exhausting! 

If Not Happiness, What?

If we're not chasing happiness, what should we be chasing? Ultimately, the answer is up to you. You are the only one who can say what is meaningful and inspiring to you and decide how to create a life that is purposefully yours. If you're up for it, exploring potential goals with a therapist may be helpful, but regardless, examining your values, normalizing and accepting non-happy emotions, and practicing self-kindness is an excellent place to start. If we can stop searching for the fantasy that is a permanent happy state and figure out what we actually care about, we can stop berating ourselves for experiencing other emotions and start creating a rewarding and purposeful life. 

If you liked the content of this blog, check out "The 3 Happiness Myths" video by Dr. Russ Harris.

Click here to download a values worksheet that may help you along your journey to a meaningful, values-congruent life.

About the Author:

Dr. Latimer recently earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology, and will be joining The Conative Group as a clinician this fall — stay tuned