Understanding What Your Child Gets Out of Video Games Over Doing School Work

You probably noticed that your child prefers to play video games more than doing anything else.

You may wish that your child would socializing in-person more, care more about school, go to bed on time, or do more exercise.

Let’s begin by understanding what might be going on through this story This is not a real person, but he is inspired by real events and people.

Jared

I tried to do well in school in 9^th grade, but studying and keeping track of all these assignments isn’t as easy as it used to be in middle school. Why do some of my classmates make this look so easy? I’m falling behind in my math class… I didn’t learn some important math concepts at the beginning of the semester, so understanding what’s going on right now is a struggle. All of a sudden, I have so much to catch up on… and it’s overwhelming me. It’s all so boring, too! School has become a negative feedback loop.

I am better at video games than I am at school. In a video game, I feel a sense of accomplishment for my actions. Compared to school, the games give me more payoff for less work. The game rewards me more than real life, and I’ve gotten good at this game. I’ve gotten so good at this game that I now an expert. Video games make me feel good about myself.

Recommendations for Jared’s Parents

1. Keep in mind that gaming is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself

   1. Understand that the root of the problem involves feelings of inadequacy that can lead to a sense of hopelessness.

   2. Yes, your child can probably put the logic together that too much time spent on gaming will detract from time studying for school. However, we are not always as rational as we’d like to believe we are. A child will often prioritize fulfilling their emotional needs over logic and facts. And gaming is frequently a way for them to feel accomplished at something.
      

2. Open the discussion with empathy

   1. Jared's experiences at school hurt him enough to rely heavily on gaming to meet his emotional needs.

   2. The gaming makes him feel good about himself. The poor kid doesn’t want to feel hurt by feelings of inadequacy.

   3. If we open the discussion with empathy and listen to our children, they may be more open to change. Keep in mind that many kids have difficulty putting these things into words. Listen to what he have to say and check in to see if maybe you can help him voice his emotions.
      

3. Help him explore alternatives.

   1. Does he have a competing interest? An alternative to gaming? If not, then encourage your child to try new things to explore!
      

4. School is not a lost cause.

   1. Let’s get into the specifics

      1. Is the coursework too difficult for your child?

      2. Is the school not a good fit for him?

      3. Does he need more accountability at home from a parent to check in on his schoolwork?
         

   2. School will be a lost cause, if your child believes it’s a lost cause.

      1. Sometimes it gets to the point where your child does not care about making good grades, or about school in general.
         

         1. Emphasize any academic “wins” they’ve had in the past.

            1. Identify what went right in these situations and look to potentially recreate the circumstances where these school “wins” happened.
               

         2. Get into the specifics of what happened in the past that resulted in these feelings of inadequacy.

            1. Why exactly did they fail this class? The more specific we can be, the more we will feel like we can do something about it.

            2. Saying it’s because “I’m bad at Math.” Leaves no specific area for us to improve. Instead saying something like, “I didn’t do well on my Chapter 4 Math Test,” points us toward something specific we can work on, such as, “Let’s look at chapter 4 and see where exactly you have difficulty! We can figure out this chapter together.”

            3. If we can point to the specific context of why something went wrong (like I forgot 4 important assignments), then we can label the problem and do something about it.
               

   While excessive gaming can be a concern, it often points to deeper emotional needs that are going unmet—feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, or discouragement. As parents and caregivers, the most powerful step we can take is to approach our children not with blame, but with curiosity, empathy, and support.

   
   

   When we take the time to listen, we create space for our children to feel heard and understood. From there, change becomes possible. We can guide them to reconnect with their strengths, find healthy alternatives to gaming, and take small, manageable steps toward rebuilding their confidence in school and beyond.

   
   

   Remember: your child is not “lazy” or “unmotivated”—they may just be hurting and unsure of how to express it. With structure and open conversation, we can help them shift from a cycle of avoidance to a cycle of growth.

   
   

   You don’t have to do this alone. Our team is here to support both you and your child on this journey.