Healing from the Unimaginable

The world is reeling from the recent tragedy of the July 4th Guadalupe River floods. Idyllic family vacations and summer camp experiences instantly became nightmares.

Damage and destruction have been repeatedly played out on television, the internet, and social media. Many in our community have been touched either personally, collectively, or both. Losses are huge. As a community, we are suffering. While there's no one-size-fits-all recommendation about what to do, it’s essential to consider some key factors that can help us process this tragedy, support our children, grieve, and move forward with hope.

1. Here are some everyday things that most of us can benefit from.
   

   1. Sharing stories and feelings together. Repressing feelings may be initially protective, but it is not healthy.

   2. Being empathetic listeners to each other. That means connect to the feelings. Listen more. Talk less.

   3. Taking it a day at a time and allowing our feelings to be expressed. We don’t have to analyze our feelings, just allow them to be present. It’s natural for many people to intellectualize and try to rationalize what happened, but that can be detrimental to long-term recovery because the feelings don’t just disappear and will likely be internalized.

   4. Our emotions need to be expressed in ways that feel safe and where we don’t have to feel powerless in the process.

   5. Our autonomic nervous systems are operating in full force right now. When we are in fight, flight, or freeze mode, then we lack of logic and words. Thus, focusing on feelings is paramount
      

2. Grief is a part of the process we will all need to experience.
   

   Grieving happens when we have a loss or change and must eventually move forward. It is easy to recognize that grief can make us feel sad or depressed, but there are also physical aspects of grieving.
   

   1. Grief can cause feelings of disconnect from our everyday activities.

   2. Grief sometimes makes us feel different from those around us.

   3. Grief sometimes gives us little tolerance for the needs of others, especially those who complain about things we think are trivial.

   4. Grief can cause brain fog and impact our appetite, sleep and energy levels.

   5. Grief can cause us to question everything, even those things we are typically sure of.

   6. Grief can create a lack of confidence in our abilities to make decisions.

   7. Some people are more public grievers and like to talk about it, but others are more private and need solitary activities. Honor both styles.
      

3. Here are some tips for parents and other adults who are helping children through the trauma/grief/anxiety process. These are also beneficial for adults who are struggling.
   

   1. Be an empathetic listener. That means you don’t have to offer solutions, just be there and listen. Let them know it is normal to have so many feelings and that you are glad they are sharing them.

   2. Children who have experienced trauma and loss, whether directly or vicariously, often do not feel safe. It is important to create rituals and conversations that identify that they are safe. Avoid scolding when they want the light left on at night or ask repetitive questions. It’s OK to say that the things that have happened are scary and that leaving the light on can help. Little by little, try to lessen the use of these safety measures, but there is no rule about when that should be.

   3. Children assess their safety and the severity of the situation by observing the expressions on the faces of the adults around them. Try not to let a full range of emotions show when trying to comfort a child. Letting them know you are sad or worried, too, is OK and can be quite helpful, but pair it with a sense of hope and resilience by using phrases such as “together we will get through this.”

   4. Ask things like “What could make you feel safe right now?” “What could we do that would make you feel a bit better just today?”

   5. Tap into the sensory system. Often, when logic and words fail us, our sensory system can process feelings. Here are a few ways to engage your sensory system:

      1. Do grounding exercises such as “name 5 things you can touch, 4 things you can see, 3 things you can hear.”
         

      2. Enhance tactile experiences with snuggly blankets, hugging a pillow, or petting a dog or cat. Or rub on lotions and creams.
         

      3. Even taste can be used to calm anxiety and promote reflection.

         1. Slowly sip on a warm beverage

         2. Mindfully eat your favorite meal

         3. Slowly suck on a peppermint

            
            

      4. Smell is the most primal of all of the senses and thus can be powerful for healing.

         1. Have favorite scents around and items (such as a cloth or felt pad) to spray them on and carry with you.

         2. Or dab scented oil or perfume on the wrist.

         3. Bake cookies, bread or other foods with smells you love that fill the air.

4. While there are endless possibilities about what you can do, and I encourage you to be creative, here are a few practical activities to help process grief and trauma:
   

   1. Make memory boxes which contain special memories of the loved one – photos, a scarf, a book, a special object that has meaning to the child.

   2. Make safety boxes with objects in the box that help the child feel a sense of comfort and safety. This can have sensory items or photos of happy times.

   3. Encourage them to retell any aspect of their story of what happened in creative ways. If words are too overwhelming, use drawings, writing, or puppets.

   4. Limit what they read or view on screens about any collective trauma. Sometimes the child may become obsessed with the matter, because it can be a way of feeling close to their loved one who has died. 

   5. Spend time in nature.

   6. Swim. Ride bikes. Take walks.
      

5. Survivor’s guilt is real.

   
   

   Processing the associated emotions about “why them and not me?” is an important step. Guilt and shame grow when these “why questions” are internalized, and isolation sets in. Talking about it with others is crucial. Also, sometimes survivors start having high anxiety about death or more disasters and start avoiding even minimal risks.
   

   1. Encouraging open discussion about these feelings, empathetic listening, and gentle support to take small risks can be helpful.

   2. Resilience in children is closely tied to the level of attunement and emotional availability of their primary caregivers. Just be there for them, listen, and be flexible in your expectations.

6. For the community to recover, time spent together with others who have shared the experience is essential.
   

   1. Find ways, such as structured and unstructured support groups, which allow the collective trauma to be identified, validated and processed.

   2. When possible, engage in a community project, such as planting a memory garden or painting a mural, to commemorate the source of the loss.

   3. Create a community of kindness, empathy and hope.
      

7. Many resources are available. Here are a few:
   

   1. Books for children about grief:

      1. The Grief Bubble: Helping Kids Explore and Understand Grief by Kerry Debay.
         

      2. The ABCs of Grief  by Jessica Correnti and Rachel Nieman.
         

      3. I Can't Believe They're Gone: A kid's grief book that hugs, helps, and gives hope  by Karen Brough (Author), Hiruni Kariyawasam (Illustrator). 
         

   2. Books for teens and tweens:

      1. Grief in Color: A Journal for loss, grief and remembrance by Rebecca Black
         

      2. Art Therapy Workbook for Grief & Loss: Exploring the experience of Grief through Art Therapy and Writing Exercises, for Teens and Adults  by Emily Bell M.A., LPCC, Art Therapist (Author)
         

      3. Grief Workbook for Tweens: Support and Activities for Navigating Grief and Loss  by Ria Gavi and Genevieve Wilcox.
         

      4. Trauma and Grief Journal for Teen Girls: A Guided Journey of Healing, Resilience, and Self-Discovery in the Face of Trauma and Loss by Eveline D. Ruiz.
         

   3. Books for adults:

      1. Navigating Grief Workbook: Evidence-Based Exercises to Move through Grief and Heal by Anna Darbonne, PsyD.
         

      2. When Grief Comes Home: A Gentle Guide for Living Through Loss While Supporting Your Child by Erin Leigh Nelson, LMFT, Colleen E. Montague.
         

      3. The Understanding Your Grief Journal: Exploring the Ten Essential Touchstones  by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
         

Of course, here at The Conative Group, we are committed to helping. We have support groups, individual therapy, family therapy, consultations, and group therapy. Many providers and organizations in our community have similar services. Don’t go it alone. Together, we can heal from the unimaginable.